In 2010 I went through a very challenging identical twin pregnancy and battled with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After numerous medical procedures and hospital bed rest I gave birth to my twin boys 13 weeks early. Eleven days later one of my boys died of an infection. This is my understanding of my experience as of this moment. It may change after more time passes.
❤ Nolan ❤ Eli ❤
We think our children are ours but we are wrong; they are not. At least not in the sense that most parents often think. We give birth to them. We teach them how their human bodies work and how to survive and thrive in this human world. In that sense they are ours to call son or daughter. But even with that labor of time and love our children are ours secondary to Life. All children are children of the Universe, children of Life, first. Even as they come in with small, sometimes dangerously small bodies, they come in with full and complete souls. They are already their own spiritual beings with agreements with Life and other beings in the Universe. No matter what we do, how hard we love or even neglect, there is nothing we can do as human parents that will ever interfere with the souls of our children experiencing, expressing, being and doing what they and Life agreed they would do before they ever even came into our lives.
Thing is, as the human parent, we often have NO idea what our little ones have come into this life agreeing to do so we do everything within our power to keep them here, healthy, happy and alive. This is our job as parents. The one we may or may not have known we were signing up for. We give everything we can to have them continue the life we helped them start.
Sometimes our little one’s soul agreements with Life and our greatest desire for happy, healthy, long living children do not agree. Then we fight. We have faith, hope, courage, strength, passion and love never ending and we use every single ounce of it to help keep our little ones happy and healthy with long lives. We fight, fight, fight until we win or we understand that our desires will never trump our little one’s soul agreement with the Universe. When this moment occurs we, as parents, know it. We feel it, we see it. We KNOW it in the deepest part of our wisdom. We understand that it is not about us and we may even understand it was never about us. We were along for the most demanding journey of love that we will ever know but this experience was about our child, their life, their experience, their agreement with the Divine and what they were to do on this earth.
So when we have to let go of our little ones and our faith gets pushed to and past it’s breaking point, we understand that in this we were the students and our little ones were the teachers and the lesson was the only real one, the power of love. And we just got the crash course.
No one ever dies alone and no one ever dies by mistake. Sometimes it can seem different to those of us left on this human side of the experience but on the other side those loving and powerful souls know they served their purpose with love. They know it was never a lack of love or a bad choice that brought them there but that somehow in some way the Highest Good was served. They look at us with eyes of love and compassion wishing that we would not hurt because they know what the truth is. They did not die. We did not give up on them. They had an important job to do and they wait for us, until we finish ours.
We as the human parents left behind are left with the questions unanswered, arms empty and memories never created. Our crash course in love continues for years, decades and maybe for our lifetime. Because we were witness to this bright shining light of Divinity that blazed on this earth for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year, it can take time for our eyes to become accustomed to the dimmer physical light of this earth. Everything can seem dark and dull and maybe even lifeless. It is our job as the human parents left behind to search out and find light again. Not because we have to but because we are one of the few who understand just how brightly a soul of pure radiant light can shine. It may be the job WE signed up for to continue that light for those who have not seen it for themselves. In our own agreements with Life we intersected with the beautiful soul of our own child. They lit the light in our life and maybe, just maybe, we agreed to be the one to make sure that light lived on. This human world can seem so dark. We know as those who have had a child die, we know all too well what it is like to be in that light, even if just for a moment. It creates a hunger in us for more, so when we are ready, we find a way to bring that light, shine that light again for the rest of humanity. This is not what we would ever want to do but maybe it is ours to do and was part of our soul agreement with that soul, the one who did not stay long with us in this life; the one who came in as our child.