Pain and the Popular Lies About It

The often popular idea that admitting, expressing or even feeling those “bad”, “negative” or “ugly” feelings is somehow saying that we are weak or not spiritual enough is crap. There is no shame in feeling pain or sadness or grief. There is no apologizing that needs to occur and often there is no fixing that needs to happen. If we would just allow ourselves the space to feel what we feel and be strong enough to allow others the space they need to feel what they feel there would be less pain in this world, because when we stuff, hide, deny or lie about pain we create more pain. When we give our pain space and time to move through, it often will, naturally, on it’s own. In our human experience we are given every opportunity to grow and expand, sometimes it is painful but when we allow it, we do exactly that, grow and expand. 





We Think Our Children Are Ours

In 2010 I went through a very challenging identical twin pregnancy and battled with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After numerous medical procedures and hospital bed rest I gave birth to my twin boys 13 weeks early. Eleven days later one of my boys died of an infection. This is my understanding of my experience as of this moment. It may change after more time passes.

❤ Nolan ❤ Eli ❤

We think our children are ours but we are wrong; they are not. At least not in the sense that most parents often think. We give birth to them. We teach them how their human bodies work and how to survive and thrive in this human world. In that sense they are ours to call son or daughter.  But even with that labor of time and love our children are ours secondary to Life. All children are children of the Universe, children of Life, first. Even as they come in with small, sometimes dangerously small bodies, they come in with full and complete souls. They are already their own spiritual beings with agreements with Life and other beings in the Universe. No matter what we do, how hard we love or even neglect, there is nothing we can do as human parents that will ever interfere with the souls of our children experiencing, expressing, being and doing what they and Life agreed they would do before they ever even came into our lives.

Thing is, as the human parent, we often have NO idea what our little ones have come into this life agreeing to do so we do everything within our power to keep them here, healthy, happy and alive. This is our job as parents. The one we may or may not have known we were signing up for. We give everything we can to have them continue the life we helped them start.

Sometimes our little one’s soul agreements with Life and our greatest desire for happy, healthy, long living children do not agree. Then we fight. We have faith, hope, courage, strength, passion and love never ending and we use every single ounce of it to help keep our little ones happy and healthy with long lives. We fight, fight, fight until we win or we understand that our desires will never trump our little one’s soul agreement with the Universe.  When this moment occurs we, as parents, know it. We feel it, we see it. We KNOW it in the deepest part of our wisdom. We understand that it is not about us and we may even understand it was never about us. We were along for the most demanding journey of love that we will ever know but this experience was about our child, their life, their experience, their agreement with the Divine and what they were to do on this earth.

So when we have to let go of our little ones and our faith gets pushed to and past it’s breaking point, we understand that in this we were the students and our little ones were the teachers and the lesson was the only real one, the power of love. And we just got the crash course.

No one ever dies alone and no one ever dies by mistake. Sometimes it can seem different to those of us left on this human side of the experience but on the other side those loving and powerful souls know they served their purpose with love. They know it was never a lack of love or a bad choice that brought them there but that somehow in some way the Highest Good was served. They look at us with eyes of love and compassion wishing that we would not hurt because they know what the truth is. They did not die. We did not give up on them. They had an important job to do and they wait for us, until we finish ours.

We as the human parents left behind are left with the questions unanswered, arms empty and memories never created. Our crash course in love continues for years, decades and maybe for our lifetime. Because we were witness to this bright shining light of Divinity that blazed on this earth for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year, it can take time for our eyes to become accustomed to the dimmer physical light of this earth. Everything can seem dark and dull and maybe even lifeless. It is our job as the human parents left behind to search out and find light again. Not because we have to but because we are one of the few who understand just how brightly a soul of pure radiant light can shine. It may be the job WE signed up for to continue that light for those who have not seen it for themselves. In our own agreements with Life we intersected with the beautiful soul of our own child. They lit the light in our life and maybe, just maybe, we agreed to be the one to make sure that light lived on. This human world can seem so dark. We know as those who have had a child die, we know all too well what it is like to be in that light, even if just for a moment. It creates a hunger in us for more, so when we are ready, we find a way to bring that light, shine that light again for the rest of humanity. This is not what we would ever want to do but maybe it is ours to do and was part of our soul agreement with that soul, the one who did not stay long with us in this life; the one who came in as our child.

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is one of the strongest spiritual teachers available to us while we are on this earth.  We are here as humans to experience the highest ideals we can express in physical form. These ideals include compassion, true love of self and others, knowing who we truly are, creating meaning in our lives, forgiveness and healing.  Forgiveness and healing go hand in hand.  It is impossible to experience one without the other.  They are as tightly intertwined as the strands of our DNA.  When we are willing to forgive we allow ourselves to heal.

When we feel we have been betrayed, abandoned, attacked, traumatized or harmed in any way we are given the opportunity to stretch our forgiveness wings.   The depth and width of the forgiveness is equal to the harm we believe was caused.  The deeper and wider we need to go in our forgiveness the greater our ability to heal ourselves and others.  No person needs to be a part of our forgiveness work, we never need to ask approval or actively bring someone into else into our experience.  It is all our experience and healing for us.  We cannot forgive without healing and we cannot heal without forgiving.  So why forgive?  Forgive for yourself, for your healing, for your joy and your spiritual growth.

As long as we are humans on this earth we have had and will continue to have opportunities for forgiveness until we are enlightened.  Many of us know of the spiritual qualities we desire to live. Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking that we “should” forgive because that is the “right” spiritual thing to do. Please remember that Jesus, Buddha and any other enlightened human who has walked this earth did what they did not because they “should”, but because it was the truth of who they were.  We cannot “should” ourselves into true forgiveness, the kind that removes all pain from the experience. It can only be done with true and intent desire for healing and a willingness to let go and trust.

Sometimes you just need to lay on the floor and cry

I spent part of yesterday afternoon laying in the middle of my living room floor crying.  I mean really crying.  You know those sobs that rack your body and make you a snot machine?  Yup, that is what I did while my Tobey and the kittens sat there watching me.  Now, if you are reading this and you know me at all you have already seen me cry.  I cry when I am sad, angry, touched and happy.  If you don’t know me you probably never want to as I am sure that the earlier sentence has just scared you away.  Ha!  Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that crying is a natural part of being human, for me.  And, I embrace it for anyone and everyone who is interested!

See, I don’t know about you, but I have a tendency to put up blocks when there is something I do not want to face or to do.  I can be VERY stubborn and sometimes it takes me breaking down in the middle of the living room floor in tears to finally let go and allow the inner guidance/higher self/divine wisdom come out.  As the voice of the Divine said to me  yesterday “You don’t need to let me in – you  need to let me out”.  These sessions are always clearing and cleansing for me.  I surrender and let go of how I think it should be and let myself be shown what can be.  Well, I saw it and it is beautiful.  I understand that my fear of being judged has kept me in a holding pattern of sorts.   As soon as I fear that I will be judged I am judging someone else.  It is amazing how it works out.  I love the paradox of life.

And so it is time to jump off of the cliff, again.  I know that I am already being held so the “jumping” is only in my experience of being human.  My spirit is already flying.