A Warrior’s Vulnerability

The willingness and ability to be vulnerable is one of the keys to the blissful, beautiful life we all desire. I have faced tremendous heart break, frustration and grief in this lifetime, as I am sure many of us can say. My saving grace has been to never give up, seriously. I have fallen so many more times than I can remember either because I was knocked down or because I put myself up for falling. Some may call me stubborn but I prefer the word determined. It helped me through the most painful times because I just refused to give up and “go home”.  I was willing to try almost anything because I would refuse to believe that this, whatever this was, was the only way.

One of my greatest strengths, my persistence and determination, has also been my biggest down fall. It may sound romantic to the great American belief of “never giving up” and there is much positive in this belief, until we take it past what we can do, literally. Our spirits, our souls, are never ending. Our bodies, not so much. We are human. There is a limit to what we can do, especially when we do not care for ourselves. That limit can /will change constantly and when we push and push without rest or care we do more harm than good to ourselves.

During these times in my life I find my patience with vulnerability, mine or another’s, tested and challenged. Don’t they see, don’t they know I do not have time for those showing their vulnerability! I have work to do, things to do. Can’t they see I am busy fighting the world, being the warrior I am????

I am a warrior and I am okay with that. I’m actually good with it because I am good at it. I passionately stand up when others won’t or can’t. I have a powerful group of fellow warriors in my life too. We all have our different passions but the drive is the same…..

And when everything within me says I need to STOP and care for myself and I ignore it, this is where it becomes troublesome. In those moments, I don’t see vulnerability as something that is bad, per se, just something I do not have time for, literally. If you/I need to fall and break down, I love you but I will not wait for you. I will tell you to toughen up or maybe to stop being a victim. And if I don’t tell you I will probably think it.

But

When I am in my place of warrior and listening to my body and soul’s needs I view vulnerability as the beautiful opportunity for connection and love that it is. I am no longer in a rush to take on the world and fix all the injustices I see or experience, I accept that which is in front of me in this moment. I have faith and trust in the fact that I will do what I can and it is enough. I trust in the Higher hand to manage the Universe without me  😉

For whatever reason, I have chosen to be in this human body in this time on earth right now. I can exhaust and harm myself trying to be more than human but I am not sure that is the plan for me. Playing the role of warrior is human. Being vulnerable is human. Both are transformational. Who’s to say one is better than the other?

Certainly not me. They are different ends of the same stick. Sometimes the act of love is to stand up and fight for goodness and light. Sometimes the act of love is to be vulnerable. Sometimes when we embrace the whole stick we understand the strength that the warrior’s vulnerability holds.

LOL9-12a

Be Passionate About What You Love Not What You Fear – If you want to be happy and heard

I have seen an increase of disagreements on social media recently. We all know what has happened in the political and judicial world this week, but I am not focusing on that in this post. Tonight I want to talk about how and why we respond to some people we disagree with differently than other people we disagree with. The difference is simple, love or fear.

Most of us have passionate beliefs, ones that we build our lives around. Then when something happens in the larger reality that disagrees with or challenges our beliefs we respond. How we respond is what I have been watching.

There are people who disagree with you but you are able to read/hear their opinion and “get” what they are saying even if you don’t agree. Then there are others who as soon as they open their mouth/start to type you can feel your blood boil. What is the difference? The difference is love or fear, for both the sender and receiver.

When someone speaks of something they are passionate about because it brings them joy/love/happiness. They communicate differently than those whose passion about something is born from fear.

When someone comes from the experience of love and joy in their life the energy and the words of their communication is different. They may ask or invite you to consider something or maybe even just tell you what their experience has been but it lacks the edge of “if you don’t believe me we will all die/go to hell” or “you are an idiot”. They can and do stand up for themselves if needed but without putting anyone else down. This is where reasonable communication can happen even when people disagree and it’s based in love/happiness and joy.

The communication that starts in fear garners, grows and builds more fear. That is why your blood boils. That is why you see red. At least you do, until you know you don’t need to anymore. And you won’t need to anymore once you understand that those people who are calling names, screaming and yelling, being nasty and ugly are the ones who are the most scared and fearful. They live a life that requires you agree with all they say/believe or terrible things will happen. Their life depends on you agreeing with them and they don’t even know you. Can you image how terrifying that must be?

Then of course there is how we choose to respond. If you find yourself wanting to scream and yell and call names in response to someone else, regardless of what they say, then my questions for you would be are you coming from that place of love/joy/happiness or are you coming from that place of fear? Why do you need them to agree with you in this moment? Why do you need anything at all from them?

Be passionate about what you love, about what brings you happiness. That is where your ability to change your life, to change the world lives. We don’t need everyone to agree with us to change the world. Let that go.

Beyond

Walking in the Beauty of your Vulnerability

When we have been hurt, traumatized, taken advantage of, lied to, there comes a time when we will have to trust again. Well, maybe we won’t HAVE to but I can guarantee you that we will be called upon again to trust and make ourselves vulnerable to being hurt.  In these situations I hear many people talk about trying to figure out when it will be okay to trust again. Sometimes they ask how they ever will trust again.

The true, unbeatable, undeniable fact is that if we are ever going to trust anyone/thing again we MUST choose to be vulnerable. We can put up as many tests, obstacles, demands of proof we wish but if we are ever going to trust again it is and will only ever be because we chose to be vulnerable again. That is it. It is really that simple. Another simple fact is when we are walking around this earth wounded that thought terrifies us humans, ALL of us.

As I write this, I want to be clear, I do not advocate trusting someone to act differently when they were still exhibiting the same behavior that caused the break in trust to start with. I believe that we are all beautiful souls but that does not mean we have all been able to manifest that beautiful soul into a beautiful human, all the time. It has been my experience that some fall into the trap of believing this and find themselves hurt repeatedly for that reason. Remember, we can love a rattlesnake and we can love a puppy, both are beautiful expressions of the Divine, in their own way, but when we believe we can treat the rattlesnake as a puppy we are very likely to get hurt. Choosing to pick up a rattlesnake and snuggle it to your face as you would a puppy would probably not be a wise way to share your vulnerability. At least not without expecting to be hurt. In this we learn discernment.

We do not get out of this life experience without being let down and betrayed. We can choose to close ourselves off for the rest of this human experience, OR when we are ready, when we are healed from the pain of our past we can choose to be vulnerable again. After we have healed our wounds, grew in our understanding and embraced our experience can we fully step into our own vulnerability with acceptance. And only we will know when the time is “right” for that to happen. And as always, when we are willing to walk in the beauty of our own vulnerability we actually often do not feel as vulnerable. We feel strong.

Cruel to Be Kind?

When I was a young girl I used to stutter, badly. My mother says she was worried that I would never speak normally. I am happy to say that I do speak normally, whatever that is, but to this day I can still “lose” my words when I am tired or stressed. I could also be fairly timid, especially around people I didn’t know. I have an unusual first name and I remember as a child when  someone would say my name wrong I would not correct them. I didn’t want to make them feel bad or embarrassed for saying it wrong so I kept quiet. It led to some strange situations when/if they learned the correct way to say it. And I would still feel deeply embarrassed. Now I immediately let someone know if they say my name wrong, no shame or embarrassment for anyone. My name is unusual. I love it and I want you to know this part of me.

It is interesting how things can change with time and age. When I was a young teen into young adult I looked much more composed, confident and stronger than I felt inside. It was a protection, bravado. In truth I was deeply wounded but I was not going to let anyone else know that they could hurt me. I wore the big bad mask and no one was going to take me down.  Love was stupid and no one was going to take advantage of my very soft heart.

Fast forward a number of years, okay maybe a decade plus, and now I sing a different song. I have been through hell and back, a couple of times. I’ve seen the dark night of the soul often enough to call it an old friend and I have learned that it is my love and my kindness, my compassion that is my strength. No more big bad mask. I don’t need to protect myself from anything because I have learned to trust myself and not to worry about trusting anyone else. I know I can take care of myself, stand up for myself and I know when to ask for help. But the most interesting part is that the kindness and compassion I show is sometimes interpreted as weakness. Either by those who are in the place I used to be or those who worry about people taking advantage of me.

Being this way can absolutely lead to being hurt by others. But the key – the difference – is that I am choosing to be kind and compassionate because I want to. I am not doing it for others to like me or approve of me so their response has no power over me. I am not attached. I do it because I desire, deeply desire, to be a kind person. Because I understand that is where my true strength is based.

And finally, a disclaimer, I am human and have not perfected the kindness and compassion in every moment intention. So if you see me in one of those moments may I ask for your kindness and compassion?

We Think Our Children Are Ours

In 2010 I went through a very challenging identical twin pregnancy and battled with Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. After numerous medical procedures and hospital bed rest I gave birth to my twin boys 13 weeks early. Eleven days later one of my boys died of an infection. This is my understanding of my experience as of this moment. It may change after more time passes.

❤ Nolan ❤ Eli ❤

We think our children are ours but we are wrong; they are not. At least not in the sense that most parents often think. We give birth to them. We teach them how their human bodies work and how to survive and thrive in this human world. In that sense they are ours to call son or daughter.  But even with that labor of time and love our children are ours secondary to Life. All children are children of the Universe, children of Life, first. Even as they come in with small, sometimes dangerously small bodies, they come in with full and complete souls. They are already their own spiritual beings with agreements with Life and other beings in the Universe. No matter what we do, how hard we love or even neglect, there is nothing we can do as human parents that will ever interfere with the souls of our children experiencing, expressing, being and doing what they and Life agreed they would do before they ever even came into our lives.

Thing is, as the human parent, we often have NO idea what our little ones have come into this life agreeing to do so we do everything within our power to keep them here, healthy, happy and alive. This is our job as parents. The one we may or may not have known we were signing up for. We give everything we can to have them continue the life we helped them start.

Sometimes our little one’s soul agreements with Life and our greatest desire for happy, healthy, long living children do not agree. Then we fight. We have faith, hope, courage, strength, passion and love never ending and we use every single ounce of it to help keep our little ones happy and healthy with long lives. We fight, fight, fight until we win or we understand that our desires will never trump our little one’s soul agreement with the Universe.  When this moment occurs we, as parents, know it. We feel it, we see it. We KNOW it in the deepest part of our wisdom. We understand that it is not about us and we may even understand it was never about us. We were along for the most demanding journey of love that we will ever know but this experience was about our child, their life, their experience, their agreement with the Divine and what they were to do on this earth.

So when we have to let go of our little ones and our faith gets pushed to and past it’s breaking point, we understand that in this we were the students and our little ones were the teachers and the lesson was the only real one, the power of love. And we just got the crash course.

No one ever dies alone and no one ever dies by mistake. Sometimes it can seem different to those of us left on this human side of the experience but on the other side those loving and powerful souls know they served their purpose with love. They know it was never a lack of love or a bad choice that brought them there but that somehow in some way the Highest Good was served. They look at us with eyes of love and compassion wishing that we would not hurt because they know what the truth is. They did not die. We did not give up on them. They had an important job to do and they wait for us, until we finish ours.

We as the human parents left behind are left with the questions unanswered, arms empty and memories never created. Our crash course in love continues for years, decades and maybe for our lifetime. Because we were witness to this bright shining light of Divinity that blazed on this earth for a moment, a day, a week, a month, a year, it can take time for our eyes to become accustomed to the dimmer physical light of this earth. Everything can seem dark and dull and maybe even lifeless. It is our job as the human parents left behind to search out and find light again. Not because we have to but because we are one of the few who understand just how brightly a soul of pure radiant light can shine. It may be the job WE signed up for to continue that light for those who have not seen it for themselves. In our own agreements with Life we intersected with the beautiful soul of our own child. They lit the light in our life and maybe, just maybe, we agreed to be the one to make sure that light lived on. This human world can seem so dark. We know as those who have had a child die, we know all too well what it is like to be in that light, even if just for a moment. It creates a hunger in us for more, so when we are ready, we find a way to bring that light, shine that light again for the rest of humanity. This is not what we would ever want to do but maybe it is ours to do and was part of our soul agreement with that soul, the one who did not stay long with us in this life; the one who came in as our child.

Why Forgive?

Forgiveness is one of the strongest spiritual teachers available to us while we are on this earth.  We are here as humans to experience the highest ideals we can express in physical form. These ideals include compassion, true love of self and others, knowing who we truly are, creating meaning in our lives, forgiveness and healing.  Forgiveness and healing go hand in hand.  It is impossible to experience one without the other.  They are as tightly intertwined as the strands of our DNA.  When we are willing to forgive we allow ourselves to heal.

When we feel we have been betrayed, abandoned, attacked, traumatized or harmed in any way we are given the opportunity to stretch our forgiveness wings.   The depth and width of the forgiveness is equal to the harm we believe was caused.  The deeper and wider we need to go in our forgiveness the greater our ability to heal ourselves and others.  No person needs to be a part of our forgiveness work, we never need to ask approval or actively bring someone into else into our experience.  It is all our experience and healing for us.  We cannot forgive without healing and we cannot heal without forgiving.  So why forgive?  Forgive for yourself, for your healing, for your joy and your spiritual growth.

As long as we are humans on this earth we have had and will continue to have opportunities for forgiveness until we are enlightened.  Many of us know of the spiritual qualities we desire to live. Sometimes we can fall into the trap of thinking that we “should” forgive because that is the “right” spiritual thing to do. Please remember that Jesus, Buddha and any other enlightened human who has walked this earth did what they did not because they “should”, but because it was the truth of who they were.  We cannot “should” ourselves into true forgiveness, the kind that removes all pain from the experience. It can only be done with true and intent desire for healing and a willingness to let go and trust.

Healing Is Personal

We all desire to have a healthy physical body, healthy mental outlook and healthy emotional experiences but how we get to that place is a very personal experience.

Why is it that even the most aware of us humans believe it is okay for us to tell others how they need to heal themselves?  It is always interesting to me when I am a member of such a conversation and I hear one human say to another, “This is how you heal and this is the only right way to do it.”  Even when someone has education, training or personal experience I always question it when they tell me that their way is the only option.

The truth is, as much as all sides are loath to admit it, people heal with western medical treatments AND people heal with eastern, energetic, holistic, herbal treatments.  The healing is personal and will always be based on the human’s body, human’s experience but the soul’s experience/desire/agreement will always take priority.  No one can heal someone else, ever.  They may hold the keys to help the other unlock their own healing if the client is willing but no one can “make” someone else heal if that someone is not in a place to allow it.  Question anyone who tells you otherwise.